


Mother's Arms

by zellieh



Category: SGA - Fandom, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alien Technology, Angst, Flashback, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Mental Illness, Military, Nightmares, PTSD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-23
Updated: 2009-12-23
Packaged: 2017-10-05 02:17:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/36702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zellieh/pseuds/zellieh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A few days after the mission, Radek goes back to the lab, and Rodney is working on the new Ancient device Radek found.  They trawl through the Ancient database, trying to translate the writing on it, arguing over words.  Radek is right about this word <em>here</em>, and Rodney is right about that phrase <em>there</em>, and then Rodney scans it, and Radek presses here and there, and “No, no, try there and then here,” and “Now try here and here,” and it <em>flickers.</em></p><p>And dies.  And Radek sees the look on Rodney’s face, and says, “Ah, is that the time?  Must go now, I am very tired.  Goodnight!” and, “Sleep well, Rodney!” because sometimes he cannot resist the little evil voice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mother's Arms

**Author's Note:**

> Written during Season 1 of Atlantis. Minor spoilers for that season.

A few days after the mission, Radek goes back to the lab, and Rodney is working on the new Ancient device Radek found.  They trawl through the Ancient database, trying to translate the writing on it, arguing over words.  Radek is _right_ about this word _here_, and Rodney is right about that phrase _there_, and then Rodney scans it, and Radek presses here and there, and "No, no, try there and then here," and "Now try here and here," and it _flickers_. 

And dies.  And Radek sees the look on Rodney's face, and says, "Ah, is that the time?  Must go now, I am very tired.  Goodnight!" and, "Sleep well, Rodney!" because sometimes he cannot resist the little evil voice.

He wanders to the Mess and tries to eat, and thinks about the Ancient device, and then he wanders back through the silent halls to his cold bed, and thinks about the Ancient device, and tries to sleep.

*

Radek wakes gasping for breath, hands cold and shaking, twisting the sheets.  His throat feels sore, and his eyes are wet, and… _and it's a nightmare._

_Breathe.  Focus._  Glasses, shower, clothes, work.   _Just a bad dream._ 

*

So Radek goes to the lab a little early, and Rodney has made a breakthrough with the new Ancient device, and they run more tests, and it _nearly_ works, and Rodney is yelling at someone (possibly Radek) but he's too busy to listen, and then…_ano, yes_…and just a few more tests, and it _glows_. 

And Radek's eyes are sore, and he can't focus, and his hands hurt, and he hasn't eaten since… Wow, is it that late already?  He scrubs his hands across his face.  Suddenly, he feels so _tired_…

He yawns his way back to his quarters, shudders his way through an MRE, and falls asleep.

*

Radek wakes, gasping.  Gasping for breath, grasping the sheets, hands twisting and tense.  Thinking, _nightmare.  Just a nightmare.  _

He scrubs his hands across his eyes, palms the wetness off his cheeks. _Breathe.  Focus_.  He puts his glasses on.  A shower will fix it.  _Breathe.  Focus.  Work._

*

In the lab, Radek makes a mistake, and Rodney yells.  Of course, Rodney always yells, but today he yells more often.  And more loudly.  And mostly at Radek.

It was only a small mistake - well, a few small mistakes - and the Ancient device is still glowing.  It didn't kill anyone, no-one was hurt, nobody is even bleeding.

It's just, he feels so _tired_…. 

Radek yawns, and scrubs his hands across his face.  He finds the familiar yelling almost restful; as long as he ignores Rodney's words, the rhythm of the insults is soothing.  He wonders, sleepily, if he should tell Rodney this, because the look on his face would be _breathtaking_, but he can't remember where he put his camera, so…  _Focus_.

Later, Radek clears up his paperwork and writes the last of his overdue reports, yawning and rubbing his eyes.  _He hasn't felt this tired since….  _

Rodney frowns, and starts babbling at him: "You know, Radek, you look like shit.  Maybe you should go and have Carson wave his tarot cards over your chakras…" and "Kate's not completely useless, as psychiatrists go…" and, "You could take some time off – a week, or a couple of days, or, you know, a whole hour for lunch – it's not like you're indispensable," and Radek realises with horror that Rodney is trying to be Supportive and Understanding, and Rodney looks like he's chewing _lemons_, and Radek squeaks something and _flees_ the lab like he's being chased by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Maybe he should see Carson, if even Rodney has noticed that he is not well.

Carson prescribes sleeping pills.  "Try to relax," he says, and "Watch what you eat," and "Don't work so hard," and his voice is so _restful_.  Radek nods, and murmurs, and says all the right things in all the right places, like "Yes," and "Thank you," and "Of course," and "I will." 

Then he fumbles his way back to his quarters, doubles the dose, and collapses into sleep.

*

Radek wakes, gasping.  Thinking, _it's a nightmare!_  Gasping for breath, grasping the clammy sheets, hands twisting and tense.  _Just a nightmare!_

_Breathe.  Focus.  Just a nightmare._

Except that it isn't…it's more than a nightmare.  It's THE nightmare.  His nightmare…  _He hasn't felt this tired since...._

_Ne!_  Radek scrubs his hands across his face, swallows two of the pep pills leftover from the last crisis, showers, dresses, and escapes back to the lab.  Sprawling into his chair, he opens his laptop with shaking hands, and pulls the glowing Ancient whatever-it-is closer.

*

Rodney frowns at him when he sees him in the lab so early, and starts to yell, and Radek is just too tired for this, so he snarls at him in Russian, and Rodney frowns harder, and stops yelling.  The spineless minions are stunned; Rodney and Radek work in silence, and the lab feels cold and dead. 

After lunch (pep pills with coffee), there are more tests for the new device, and Rodney yells at Radek for not noticing someone's mistakes, because his job is to protect Rodney from "Idiots who make such obvious mistakes my _Grandmere_ could spot them!"  Radek swears in Czech, and yawns in his face, and a nameless minion snickers.  And Rodney yells.

Rodney throws him out of the lab after the seventeenth yawn, anxiously muttering about "Fumbles McStupid," and "People who are too _stupid_ to sleep causing accidents and getting other - _more intelligent_ \- people killed." 

Radek is too tired to argue, so he trudges back to his room, swallows two more pep pills, starts his laptop, and focuses on his work. 

*

"Ne!" 

Radek wakes in a cold sweat, slumped across his desk, gasping for breath. 

_It's just the nightmare!  It's just the nightmare.  It's just the nightmare…_ 

_It's just the nightmare…_ but now it's hitting him every night, waiting for him every time he tries to sleep, and he hasn't felt this tired since… since…  _Ne!  Breathe.  Focus._   

He lurches upright, and scrubs his cold hands across his face, shaking.  _Breathe.  Focus._    Wet cheeks, raw throat, sore eyes.  A shower will fix it.  He snaps his glasses back on.  _Breathe.  Focus.  Work._ 

*

Rodney frowns at him again next morning, but just says: "I have an urgent appointment with a carafe of coffee, and a new problem to solve, Radek, so you're in charge until I get back.  Don't let Kavanagh touch the new Ancient thingy!" 

And Radek thinks that he might – might - have got away with it. So he works, and checks his work for mistakes, and double-checks, and he thinks he's caught them all.  He stifles his yawns behind his hands, and _focuses…. _

And then Rodney returns to the lab, muttering about "emergency," and "damaged," and collects his toolkit, and drags Radek off.  Radek's English is very good, but he is also very tired, and he's having trouble keeping up with a full-volume, full-speed-ahead Rodney. 

Rodney says: "essential to our work," and, "mission-critical," and something about "stupid military idiots" who apparently "can't be trusted to properly protect vital…" and whatever-it-is sounds very fragile, and very important, and quite badly broken. 

Radek's trying to run through lists of vital equipment in this area, because it must be serious if Rodney is so agitated, and it would be easier if he could focus properly and think, but he's just _so tired_.  And Rodney's still talking, waving his hands about some idiot who "should have known something was wrong," and then they're in an office, and Rodney's fiddling with the door control panels, and Radek's trying to work out how a door lock could be mission-critical. 

Then Rodney says: "Ah, there you are, Kate," and hustles the woman into her office.  "Sorry, I lied.  The appointment's not for me, it's for Radek, here."  And Kate's face does so many interesting things all at once that Radek wants to set up a camera – several cameras – and audio, and recording device, because when she gets Rodney on his own, this will be _spectacular_. 

And then his brain catches up with Rodney's words, and he opens his mouth, and Rodney says, "Don't even think about arguing with me – you're no use to me in this state.  You haven't been eating - unless you count all the coffee, sleeping pills, and pep pills - and you haven't slept properly since…." 

Rodney stops, huffs, waves his hands uncertainly, and looks away: "_Anyway_, I've lost enough people already.  I don't want to see you back in the lab until you can think straight, because right now you're a danger to yourself, and all my other minions.  And me, of course."  And Rodney, still talking, picks up his toolkit and the control crystals.  "So, you might as well talk to Kate, since you'll have nothing better to do, because I'm going to lock the door now, and it'll take you days to figure out what I've done!"

And the door swooshes shut behind Hurricane Rodney, and Radek looks at Kate, and her office is so _silent_.

*

Kate says "Well…" and "Um," and "Please sit down, Radek."  And they both sit, and Radek stares at his hands, twisting in his lap, and he could almost _shoot_ Rodney for this.  And Kate is looking at him, focused, professionally sympathetic, and she says, "Radek?"

And his breathing sounds so harsh against the silence. 

He remembers the silence….  The silence echoes.  He hears it every time he closes his eyes.  _Who knew that silence could be so loud?_ 

_Breathe.  Focus._

He can _hear_ that silence, he hears it every night, he breaks it with his voice; perhaps he should break it now, before it breaks him…

He has to talk, so…  _Breathe.  Focus.  Talk._

Radek opens his eyes, looks at his hands, and says "I have been having nightmares, since…"  Looks at Kate, looks away._  Breathe._  _Focus._  "The same nightmare, every night…"  Radek's voice sounds broken, like something a long way away or a long time ago, distant in his ears.  It's like someone else is telling this to Kate, like he isn't here, like it didn't happen…

"It was conscription.  National Service.  You had to serve, it was necessary.  Normal.  Boring.  I hated it, even before…"  Radek breathes, tries to relax his hands, his voice.

"He was my best friend.  We were neighbours, we played together, went to the same school, the same University… the same unit…"  Radek tenses, cold hands twisting.  _Breathe.  Focus._  

"It was a practice, an exercise, like a game, you know? A war-game…"   He scrubs his hands through his hair.  _Breathe.  Focus.  Talk._

"It was an accident, they said it was an accident, they said it was not my fault…"  _Breathe.  Focus._   

"My hands were cold."  _My hands…_  "My friend… we were joking, you know?  Stupid exercise, stupid army, stupid forest covered in stupid cold snow…"  _Breathe.  Focus.  Hold on. _

"I heard the... the noise..." _ The shot._  "I don't…  I don't remember…  I…"  _Remember the gun; the shot..._  "My hands were so cold, and… and he, he was, he was, gasping…"  _Gasping for breath, grasping his hand, his hands were covered in blood, the snow was covered in blood, he was gasping for breath, breathing blood, breathing…  _

Radek rips off his glasses, rubs his eyes, scrubs his hands across his face.  His cheeks are wet.  His throat feels raw.  He doesn't remember crying.  But he can't forget that _silence.  He hasn't felt this tired since…_  He snaps his glasses back on.  _Breathe.  Focus._   

"He died."

"My friend…" 

Radek's hands are cold, shaking, twisted in his lap.  Throat raw, voice breaking.  "I shot my best friend." 

And he's gasping, gasping; so tense he's shaking; breathing, harsh gasps breaking the silence… 

And Kate is saying, "It wasn't your fault," and, "It was an accident," and patting his hand, and saying: "I know it's hard," and even though she's read his file, she _doesn't_ know, she_ can't_ know, she has _no idea_, she wasn't _there_… 

Then she says: "PX…" and, "no choice," and, "Wraith," and, "Dr. van Rijn would have wanted," and, "he was in a lot of pain," and he can't quite hear her over his breathing, and she says: "anyone else would have done the same…" and she doesn't _know_, she _wasn't there!_

Nobody else was there, and he… _he can feel the gun in his hand, and his hands are so cold, and he can hear him gasping for breath, gasping, and his eyes, his eyes… and the sound of a shot….  _

And Radek can't focus, he can't _breathe_, and his _hands_ are shaking, and he can't _focus_, he's so _tired,_ he can't stop _shaking_, and he's crying, crying and all curled up in Kate's arms, gasping and swearing in Czech, in a broken distant voice that sounds like it belongs to someone else, and…

And Rodney's there, opening the door for Carson, and their voices are so _safe_ and so _restful_, and Carson has gentle hands, and a needle, and Radek doesn't care what's in it, he's just so _tired_, so very, very _tired,_ and he gasps, and breathes, and falls asleep.


End file.
